Mother’s Day is this Sunday. What does Mother’s Day stir up in you? Before becoming a mother myself, it only sparked joy. Well, that “only” doesn’t include those awful teenage years where I felt apathetic at my best and distaste at my worst towards my own mom. Aside from those ugly years, this Sunday on the calendar always makes me smile. The mothers in my life and the children that made me a mother myself overwhelm me with gratitude for God’s kindness, but this is the first Mothers Day approaching with a tinge of sadness. Last Mothers Day, I was pregnant with our third baby. This Mothers Day, that baby is in heaven and I’m still not sure when another child will call me Mama again.

Mother’s Day feels less like a celebration and more like a time marker this year. I’ve found it’s often that way after loss and in seasons of waiting — the days we love the most are suddenly reminders of how we envisioned they’d be. For me, I envisioned a 4 and 2 year old delivering me breakfast in bed as they always do and a 4 month old nursing in bed with me.

I will not overlook the gift of having that 4 and 2 year old shakily carrying a tray of pancakes made with love. I will not let the gray cloud of “what if” and “why not” hover over this beautiful day that comes once a year. Because next year those babies will be 5 and 3. Whether or not there is a third baby to hold is not in my control.

Loving and seeing and cherishing these babies at this age and on this very day, however, is.

Maybe you’re also still in the post-loss phase. Maybe you’re waiting on your adoption dream to come true. Maybe you’re in a hard season of motherhood where things aren’t feeling as magical as they once did. Maybe you lost a spouse this year and Mother’s Day feels painful. Maybe you’ve lost a mother. Maybe you’re estranged from your mother. Maybe you’ve been waiting and aching to become a mother yourself.

I will be praying for you today. May you find comfort in the hope of Christ and find a way to cherish this day, no matter how different it looks than how you dreamed it would last year. Even when it’s cloudy, motherhood in every one of its seasons is a gift.

Happy Mothers Day to you, friend.