The Holy Spirit is pulling major heart strings at the moment.
I have been in a bit of a spiritual rut as of late. Despite the amount of journal pages I filled, worship songs I listened to and Joyce Meyer messages I downloaded, I just could not connect on a spirit level. Something I have learned from experience and can confidently approve as a true statement: When the Lord isn’t the center of everything, everything will be off.
Despite the enormous blessing my marriage is, Satan cannot stand two of God’s children living a life of joy and peace together as one. So what does he do? He attacks people at their weaknesses.
Lately-he has been hard hitting my comparative nature. I constantly felt as if I wasn’t doing enough. Adjusting to being a God-fearing wife at 22 has been a challenge. A typical day in my life at this point two years ago looked like this: Wake up with enough time to brush my teeth and eat a bowl of cereal. Walk to class. Come home-to lay on the couch and watch Ellen eating Special K bars by the box- Lay upside down on my bed talking about life and our dreams with my love until he had to go to bed-Test out You-Tube makeup/hair/anything tutorials until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Write in my journal. Sleep. Repeat.
It was wonderful. Slightly unfulfilling…but glorious at the time. Fast forward to today- I wake up to make a breakfast that will keep my love energized throughout his workout. I then face an inner battle of whether or not I should do the laundry/empty the dishwasher/tidy the bedroom so my hubby doesn’t have to do it when he gets home. I then head to class and to the grocery store because I changed my mind about dinner, then back to catch up with the man on our days events. All too soon it is time to make dinner, read our ‘read the Bible in a year’ plan, and go to sleep.
I truly am most fulfilled when I am doing my best at all of these things. I love the responsibilities that being a wife entails, and the affirmation being a ‘serving wife’ rewards. I do sometimes take on too much pressure-being the prideful person I am. If I happen to find out a friend of ours works out with her husband every day…you better believe I am going to lace up my sneakers and do the same. If my friend says she packs a lunch for her husband-I add it to the post-it checklist. Somewhere in the middle of focusing on how to make myself look better, I took the on the impossible weight of doing everything-and doing it perfectly- in my own strength.
At a moment I can’t quite pin-point, I suddenly felt like my intimate prayer times turned into me talking to a ceiling. My quiet times were so uninspired…it was as if everyone around me was reading the Word of God and I was reading Chinese. I was so intensely jealous of my husbands quiet times and word studies; he was being so heavily poured into and I was pouring myself out without restoration.
Tonight, I realized where I went wrong.
I began to seek one thing, and then another thing, and yet another thing before my Heavenly Father.
My heart is chasing after far too many things before it is chasing after pleasing Him, obeying Him and glorifying Him with all my heart-soul-spirit-and strength. No matter how much joy and happiness my husband brings me every day, a void was created by not seeking fully after My First Love.
Even though I was complaining about feeling a huge disconnect from Him, I spent less and less time in His word and on my knees and more time blaming Him for my loneliness.
I am so sorry, Father.
I felt the urge to read Psalm 119 tonight and decided to go back to the basics. I grabbed a notebook and pen and curled up on the couch rewriting the verses, searching for what they really meant to me. To be honest, it immediately quenched a thirst that has been in my spirit for far too long. Literally people- spiritual Gatorade. I switched from NIV to NLT and read it again while tears welled up with tears at the way the Lord teaches us. So, if you don’t mind- I would like to share with you the verses that made my heart smile tonight:
33 Teach me your decrees, O LORD; I will keep them to the end.
34 Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions; I will put them into practice with all my heart.
35Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found.
36 Give me an eagerness for your laws rather than a love for money!
37Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word.
38 Reassure me of your promise, made to those who fear you.
39 Help me abandon my shameful ways; for your regulations are good
.40 I long to obey your commandments! Renew my life with your goodness.
I am so thankful to serve a God who lives up to His promises, even when I don’t.
And thankful that our hearts are literally wired to put Him first. We will always find our way back.