August 19, 2019
Here in Canada there are already dry leaves on the ground in shades of pink. It’s very much still summer (we’ll be at the beach all day as you read this,) but Fall is coming and everyone feels it. Despite the fact that the phrase “Back to School” hasn’t applied to me since 2013, I still get that rush of inspiration when September comes around the corner. I want to sharpen my pencils and schedule each day in my planner and set brand new goals that I really mean this time. Here’s the thing: Just because the calendar and weather say the season has changed doesn’t mean my season has changed.
I know what season I’m in. I know it well. It’s the season that has now lasted over a year: this season is called ‘Waiting and Healing.’ It’s been a year and a half since I found out about my autoimmune disease and a year since the miscarriage. Despite devoting every day since to my health, somehow there’s still quite a long way to go. Hashimoto’s has rocked my world in every way possible and undercut every routine, plan and goal in it’s path. While that almost-fall-feeling has me bubbling over with inspiration and intention, the actual circumstances that limited me in Summer are still the same as we enter Fall.
As O and I walked through the neighborhood last week I shared my giant ‘Autumn Plan.’ I was going to work out with a TRAINER! five days a week! and roll out so many new ideas for work! SO MANY! I’ll become a master HOMESCHOOLER! And clean the house top to bottom EVERY DAY! Let’s throw in regular coffee dates with friends, frequent Sunday dinners at my parents, my Women’s Bible Study once a week, one-on-one time with my kids and, of course, more rest and sleep than ever.
O looked at me and without having to say a word, I knew what I had to do.
I’m reeling it in.
I know there will be a season where my schedule can be more full and my goals can be more ambitious. As hard as it is to swallow, my season doesn’t allow for all the things on my dream list. My schedule first and foremost needs to reflect the top priorities in my life because in the past few years of motherhood I’ve realized this it true: If I don’t prioritize the things I claim to be most important, less important things begin to steal prime real estate in my time.
It’s difficult when the motivation is high and discipline is ready but wisdom calls for reevaluation. In my mind, my top goals are to grow nearer to Christ by pressing into His word and studying it more deeply, to grow in friendship and intimacy with O, to be a more tender, present and joyful mother as I train and teach and enjoy my kids, to put my Hashimoto’s into remission through rest and rebuilding and to be a blessing to everyone who comes in contact with me or my content.
When I take a long hard look, those goals are all internal. Only I will know if they’ve been successful because they’ll all happen within me. I’m learning it’s hard to leave my goals at that without also making external goals that are much shinier and recognizable by others. Those goals are the most tempting to press into. My physical fitness, new partnerships and work opportunities are both great things but if it’s between those things and a set top priority, I know which one wins.
As I get ready to flip the calendar to September, I’m swapping my pen for pencil and praising the Lord for being sovereign over my seasons. “One day” and “Someday” will come soon enough-for now I’m grateful here in ‘Waiting’ and ‘Healing.’