This summer was beautiful and difficult and trying and freeing all at the same time. 

We moved our life to Texas carrying our newest life in my belly. That new life left my belly and went to heaven to wait with the Prince of Peace, leaving me searching for my own. Peace was the goal this summer.

Our home went from a sea of boxes to a puddle of boxes until one day, it was just home. Of course, once it finally was “just home,” we left it for two weeks and then once more. We celebrated 7 years of marriage and another trip around the sun for O.

Our marriage was tested. Everyone told me losing a baby does strange things to a marriage. Everyone was right. He was strong while I was weak, carrying this family on his back while the Lord cradled us all in his arms. Once I felt stronger, he let his knees buckle and we waited until all of us were on our own two feet again.

I was reminded this summer that no matter how strong our spouses are, they are not strong enough to be our Savior.

Keogena woke up one day ready to share everything she’s been wanting to say her whole life. She talks from the moment she wakes up to the moment I lay her in her bed at night and her raspy, sleepy voice makes me tear up to think about. She went from falling asleep on her own since she was 3 months old to wanting me to sit next to her crib until she fell asleep. I fought it for a week, always wary of a sleep regression or bad habit, but I learned something this summer: she just wants to be near me. I know all too well that it won’t always be that way-you will have larger fears than falling asleep alone and me sitting in your rocking chair won’t be the cure to calming your spirit. But for now, in those 5 minutes it takes for your heavy eyelids to rest, I watch you and smile. I think of how you are mine. I pray for you. This season may end tomorrow, but for now this is our time.

Oshiolema grew up this summer. Little by little, every day he became a boy. Not my baby, but my boy. He went to speech camp and made me so proud every day I could burst. When he encountered a boy that wasn’t kind, he went to camp the next day and told him “I prayed for you.” And in that moment, my mama heart was reminded of this mission of motherhood. This is what it’s all about. I was focused on achievement and behavior while overlooking the heart of gold on this boy. He’s all superhero and ninja turtle and power ranger and boy. (Let it be known that he’s the biggest fan while never seeing an episode of ninja turtles or power rangers…the theme songs convinced him those were his people and that was that.)

This summer played out differently than any summer in the past and prayerfully than any summer in the future as well. It grew me up and exposed all the parts of me that needed to see the light and for that I tip my hat to it. I am not the woman in August that I was in May.

Summer 2018, thank you.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

Psalm 34:17-20