You touch my heart, every part.
Yesterday night was spent taking a long hard look at how often I miss the mark. Those times are magnified best when looking at my relationship. The phrase “those who love you most reveal the most about you” is tired…but I cannot overlook its truth.
My first post of all time was the mushy gush stuff about how much I love my hubby to be. Head over heels, can’t believe he’s mine, look at him and get butterflies; it’s that kind of thing. Because I have this feeling (well, most of the time,) I often try to let him know just how much I love him through actions. I’d like to think i’m pretty creative, so this part of the relationship I so humbly think “I’ve got in the bag,” that I love him so much that I have reached a point of knowing his needs and how to please him. God has a funny way of setting me straight sometimes. I was reminded of a very specific time that showed me head on “YOU CANNOT PLEASE ME.”
I know it sounds harsh, but here it goes: During my nightly routine one night, I realized I had ran out of my face lotion. I have sensitive skin, so I stick to the basic stuff that smells like powder and grandmothers. Sleeping without lotion is not an option, so I grabbed my roommates face cream, applied as usual, and plopped down in my bed. As Oj was about to walk home, he kissed me good nignt and on his way out he said “Your face smells great.” Romantic, I know. Well, me being me took that and ran with it. I asked my roommate in the morning where she gets her lotion. She let me know she can only buy it back home, so without another breath I handed her the forty three dollars (don’t shake your head at me..) and awaited my lotion despite the rash that may accompany it- just to please the nostrils of my boy.
The next night I smiled in the shower, looking forward to my nightly routine. As I washed my face and put on my toner, I was glowing to know that I was changed a minor detail so that he would be happy! I crawled under my covers, he came to kiss me good night, and as he lifted his face from mine he said “Ugh. Your face smells like beer.”
And that is just it.
Un-please-able! I will never get it. Same face, same forty three dollar lotion, same rash in the morning, to smell like beer!! Thinking about that now that it has been a year and the heartache has passed honestly made me laugh out loud. I am never going to fully satisfy the man I love, no matter how hard I try. And the best part about it is that I wasn’t intended to! Whenever I forget that, the Lord reminds me. He made us un-please-able so that we will always turn to Him when someone isn’t fulfilling us. They can’t. He will always be pleased by my lotion, powder or beer.
This time of month is always crazy because of mid-terms. If I focus on how much I have to do before tomorrow, my brain might explode. Needless to say, I don’t have time for a full post. Just wanted to make sure you could sneak peek my past week!!
There are certain things I tell myself I am going to do over and over again…
…and then just tell myself it’s a secret between us that we will never ever do it.
Those things include getting a teeny tiny tattoo of the Jesus Fish on my wrist, wearing this deep purple lipstick I bought two years ago (is that even sanitary anymore? Not quite sure…), Dyeing my hair a honey color and chopping my bangs, Ya know, the standard.
Lent brings that out in the worst way.
I was not even aware that lent begins tomorrow and now I have this overwhelmed, stressed feeling. I am making lists of what I would miss a little bit, but survive without (m &m’s, stylemepretty.com, coffee…) And then I realized that giving things up for lent is a way to honor my Lord and Savior dying on the cross for me. A way to get somewhere near the unfathomable galaxy of the sacrifice of our Father giving up his only son, and Jesus taking the mockery, the pain and devastation of dying so that we may live. That view changes things a little bit.
I don’t want to just get by, I don’t want to miss something a little bit, I don’t want to coast through this – I want to feel what it truly means to sacrifice. I’m letting down a real wall in sharing this right now, because for me this means giving up bread. Don’t laugh, as ridiculous as it is, I promise it is what I will miss most. What are you giving up?